The past few days I went through a very dark valley.
You all may know it: the valley of pain, anger, of doubt, of fear, losing hope, but most of all of guilt about all these feelings. And then, inevitably, self-hate.
It is something you don't share on Facebook.
But something you all know.
I seriously suffer from this world's and also Facebook's edited view of human beings.
Seriously: do we all have to pretend we have it all under control, we're successful, we're admired and loved and strong 24/7? We WANT to be, of course. But who can really say they are?
And seriously: what is life about? What do you learn? WHEN do you learn?
I realized - and I'm not saying that I LIKE this - that the hard times in my life taught me so much more about myself, about life, others, the meaning of it all, about spirituality and about hope, faith and love, than the times that I felt safe, content and happy.
It is nothing new I'm sharing here. Not at all. Every spiritual tradition knows it and talks about it, a hundred books have been written about it.
Still, we don't talk about it that much. And we very seldom share it on our Facebook walls.
But here it is:
I am small and vulnerable. I am able to lose hope when things fall apart around me and I don't like myself very much when I feel all of this.
But you know what? The moment I decided to look at these feelings closely, they went away. I was ready to meet them. I wanted to find out about them, and it was as if they said: "Oh, this is not fun. We're about to be found out. Let's go someplace else…"
Accept who you are. Make room for this moment's reality inside of you.
Look at yourself. Look at your pain.
Don't run away.
Take a breath and hold your feelings like you hold a crying baby.
You may not know yet what the problem is, but you are there with this baby, look at it and try to find out. And all of a sudden it calms down and falls asleep.
Sleep tight now, you little one. When you wake again and cry again, I will hold you again.
And over time you will grow up and cry less.
And I will stick with you, for you are a part of me. A part of my being human.
And you crack my heart open every time, and though it won't ever heal I will learn to live with it.
And what can be more worthwhile than living with an open heart?